Be Funny on a New Day. Oct 27, actually!

Remember my last blog post? Of course you do. All you wonderful people read it. Well, we've had to change the date to Oct 27. Here's the updated info:

The Urban Improv Challenge
Monday Oct 27th 8pm @ Chivana
(2340 West 4th Ave : 604-733-0330)

You can join the Urban Improv Facebook group or call 604-733-0330 and sign up for the Urban Improv Challenge today…. or just come watch, that’s cool too.

Wanna do some improv on Oct 20? Here's how!

Urban Improv is pretty much an institution in this town, going on 10 years. The fine folks at Chivana Resto Lounge have been our gracious hosts for the past 2 years, and we're going to do something special this October 20th.

Normally the Justice Pals (myself, Shaun Stewart, Allen Morrison and others) do the first half show, but we're going to do something a little different. Roman Danylo, star of the hit TV series "Comedy inc." and fresh from a successful tour, sent this my way. I am happily passing it on to you:

The Urban Improv Challenge
Monday Oct 20th 8pm @ Chivana
(2340 West 4th Ave : 604-733-0330)

Have you ever watched improv comedy and thought… “Hell, I can do that.” Well, now is your chance. Sign up to participate in the Urban Improv Challenge and not only do you get in the show for free but you also get two comps for your family and friends. The show will be a series of improv comedy challenges hosted by Roman Danylo. Participants will be eliminated as we go and the audience will choose the winner. What’s at stake? You could win a whopping $25 dollars and the opportunity to play in the second half with a bunch of jaded improv veterans. It’s a dream come true! No improv or performance experience necessary.

So if you are a successful stand-up, actor or accountant and you’ve always wanted to give improv a try, drop us a line. You can join the Urban Improv Facebook group or call 604-733-0330 and sign up for the Urban Improv Challenge today…. or just come watch, that’s cool too.

Just a quick note here... I cut my comedy teeth at Urban Improv. It was the first chance I got to perform for a real audience, and that's something all the workshops and courses in the world can't prepare you for. In the past 2 years, I've done about 500 professional comedy performances, and it all started for me there. I encourage anyone who has ever wanted to give this a shot to come on down on the 20th. It'll be Great Big Fun!

Eric

There is a Man From Future!

My second favorite scene from Yor: Hunter From The Future.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aqE_smviSw

My favoritest scene? For that, you'll just have to watch the movie and guess.

Mandom: The Manliest Thing I Have Ever Seen

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to present to you the Manliest Thing I Have Ever Seen... a thing so dripping with Mantosterone that it can only be called... Mandom.



http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=l8bqVL0VXrE&NR=1

From the strange little Imp working the door, to the ceilings so high that when you throw a shirt into the air it does not come down, to the splashing of the Mystery Substance known as "Mandom," Charles Bronson shows you what it is to be a man. The experience of Mandom has never been more accurately portrayed.

Charles Bronson has a pipe rack. A PIPE RACK for God's sake! I don't think that there's anything more manly (or more Freudian) than having so many pipes that you need a special rack for them.

Except, of course for random shots of Old Stoneface in buckskin shootin' at ya.

Ah, Mandom.

Oh... Listeriosa!

I thought you said something else.

Old Country For No Buffet

Last night, the GF and I went to the magical land of America! Bellingham to be precise. We wound up at the Old Country Buffet, an all-you-can-eat joint located inside a shopping mall. That's right, we didn't even have to leave the mall to have non-stop food shoveled down our gullets! I noticed the daily "special" was all-you can eat sirloin steak. I'm going to say that again: ALL YOU CAN EAT SIRLOIN STEAK.

My meal consisted of the following:

Sirloin Steak
Brisket
"make-it-yourself" tacos
Stuffing
Mashed potatoes
Macaroni and Cheese

As soon as I filled my plate, I realized that I would be punishing my digestive tract in a way that had not been seen since the ill-advised "1-dollar TV Dinner Night" back in March.

The stuffing had syrup or something in it, and the Salisbury steak broke down in my mouth in a strange chemical reaction. The potatoes were grainy, as expected, and the Macaroni was a weird paste. The tacos were a lot... wetter than they should have been, but the steak was surprisingly not horrid.

Laura had a salad.

I just... I had to stop eating. Wouldn't you?


Then, the all you can eat dessert bar. This is the reason Laura wanted to go in there in the first place (the other reason, of course, was to watch me punish my body). The area looked like it had been hit by a riot, right after a tsunami made out with a hurricane. Also, there was something wrong with the soft serve machines. The "ice cream" glopped out of the dispenser in a way that can only be described as "fecal."


The "fixins" sputtered out of their spouts and just kind of... stained the ice cream.

Laura had cupcakes.


Look at her, she was so excited to chow down on the cakey delight, not knowing what was in store for her after the first bite.


"It tastes like melted butter and death."

She was brokenhearted, scared, and a little enraged. Her reaction was too much for this man to bear. And so was the buffet.


As we carted our bloated carcasses from the restaurant and into the mall, poor Laura nearly tripped over an errant bun. I think that sums up the trip quite nicely.

Let this be a lesson to you: No matter how funny you think it may be to fill your body with eleven pounds of sawdust, corn syrup and sodium, it isn't. If you see an Old Country Buffet in your travels, just keep moving, man. It ain't worth the pain.

Fanboys are Ruining The Dark Knight!

Sick of Internet Fanboy Hyperbole? I know I am.

This morning, I was stunned to see that The Dark Knight has rocketed to the top of the IMDB's "Top 250 movies" list. Then the feeling of being stunned gave way to the feeling of "Oh, that's right... fanboys." I then shook my head.

Democracy? No. Mob Rule? Yes. Can 170,000 voters be wrong? Yes. It's called 170,000 voters being wrong. And before you cry "well, that's their opinion, man." It's likely an uninformed opinion.

I love pizza. It's one of my favorite foods in existence. Do I feel it is the greatest food of all time? No. I haven't eaten enough different types of food to make that call, nor do I have an education in the culinary arts that would allow me to discern the finer points of "The Greatest Food of All Time." I simply refrain from making the call (and if I do make such statements, it's for comedic purposes, not a serious analysis of anything).

Even before the movie was screened, people were clamoring to give Heath Ledger all sorts of awards. Not because he was any good, but because he was DEAD. Is Ledger going to become the new Tupac? Newpac? Granted, Ledger was brilliant, but people were saying this stuff before they even saw the movie.

It's about a half hour too long, Batman's voice was ridiculous and forced, and the ending of the film totally lost me as a viewer.

Don't get me wrong, I thought the movie was generally fantastic. I think it might be the best superhero movie so far (this opinion might change over time as the movie digests). And frankly, the movies that I have mentioned here that I feel are better than the Dark Knight are pretty fucking spectacular. It's not like I'm saying that Baby Geniuses 2 is a better movie. The list is pretty solid, and if anyone wants to say something is the "best movie of all time," they'd do well to watch the movies on this list and have a firm grounding in Cinema before opening their big fanboy mouths. All it's going to do is hurt the movie's reputation in the long run. A lot of people are going to expect it to be the Greatest Movie of All Time when they go see it, and are going to walk away disappointed. I already know a few cases where this has happened.

Thanks, fanboy hype. You're wrecking it.

Oh, I'm sure I'll get some nasty words from some people, but that's what I love about moderated comments. They won't show up, so don't bother.

And now, in no particular order, a number of movies that, off the top of my head, are better than The Dark Knight.

The Third Man
The Godfather
The Godfather Part 2
The Empire Strikes Back
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Blade Runner
Brazil
A Clockwork Orange
The Big Sleep
Citizen Kane
Star Wars
Rebel Without a Cause
Yojimbo
Battleship Potemkin
Son of Frankenstein
The Magnificent Seven
The Conversation
Casablanca
Chinatown
Double Indemnity
The Gold Rush
The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (yes, ROTK had 17 endings, but only orcs needed lozenges)
Jaws
Back to the Future
The Graduate
2001: A Space Odyssey
The Seven Samurai
Touch of Evil
Singin' in the Rain
Lawrence of Arabia
Rashomon
Sunset Boulevard
Dr. Strangelove
Fargo
Metropolis

The Dell Catalog Model: a Remembrenescence

I remember when I was in school, and the 33 year-old woman was in a few of my classes. A bunch of us would hang out at her faux-fur lined locker, drink from her Nalgene bottle, and look at all the neat things she could do with the computer that matched her pants.

Marveling at how much pink plush she could cram in her tiny locker, we'd place a single blue M&M somewhere in her vestibule. Much like the Princess and the Pea, she would detect it with her preternatural abilities. Of course, her discovery was accompanied by hideous, banshee-like streams of obscenities so awful that the Elder Demons of the Underworld would blush and feel awkward.

We'd admire the picture of her and her six year-old daughter, her Zellers catalog good looks, and wonder what the hell pills she was using to get her to this state, and whether we could score some, too.

Yes, these were the halcyon days of high school. And I knew life would never get any better than this. I think she knew that, and that's why she stayed.

Thank you, Dell. Thank you for opening up these memories again. I am in your debt.

Total Eclipse of the Heart. Of All Our Hearts.

Ever seen the original video for “Total Eclipse of the Heart?” It’s a disturbing fever dream with dancing ninjas, half-naked football players, and a freaky “angel” with rotoscoped eyes that burn through your very soul.


(Link)

Now that you’ve slurped that milkshake down your gullet, allow me to present to you 5 different versions of the epic masterpiece of 1980s melodrama. Facebook users will have to click on the links. The jerks don’t do embedding yet.

1) This version of the song, by Hurra Torpedo, is utterly sublime. It’s not just the Jesus Beard or the ass-revealing track pants that make the video magical. No, sir. They actually make the song sound good. Seriously.


(Link)

2) The Dramatic Prairie Dog. I think that’s all I need to say about this one.

(Link)

3) Okay, here’s a version in German that has to be seen to be believed. It’s from the musical “Tanz der Vampire.” The original was directed by everybody’s favorite child rapist, Roman Polanski. I give this a WTF factor of about a gazillion. The part that sells it? The cross-eyed Vampire at the end.


(Link)

4) I need a tribute video in here, don’t I? You know, one of those videos where people take footage of their favorite movie or TV show, and put the scenes to music. When I did a search for the “Total Eclipse of the Heart tribute”, it came up with no less than NINE different Doctor Who tribute videos (???). I know. I also found one from Lost, which showcases Kate and Jack, the two most boring fucking characters in the history of television. Tying rockets to their faces and having them shoot rainbow sex from their fingertips couldn’t keep me from falling into a coma whenever they show up.

Instead, I’ll point out one that actually makes a bit of sense: Planet of the Apes. Not only does the movie actually use the name “Bright Eyes,” but the maker of the video decided to highlight the tension between Chuck Heston and a chimp. Bow-chicka-wow.


(Link)

5) Quite possibly the best version of Total Eclipse of the Heart is by this amazing artist. The name of that artist? YOU. Yep, I found a Karaoke version of it online. So get that webcam warmed up, and make your own greatest version of Total Eclipse of the Heart. I know you can belt this fucker out of the park. Feel it. Be it. Post it on that Youtube that people love so much. You’ll only be making it right, ‘cause we’ll never be wrong TOGETHER!


(Link)
Do it!

Eric Fell

They're Always After Me Tube of Sand!

Lucky the Leprechaun, your favorite diabetes-inducing racist Irish stereotype, has unveiled a new charm for that cereal he loves to hoard so much... Lucky Charms. Please say hello, or as Lucky would say, "Top o' The wife beatin' potato whiskey" to that famous symbol for luck.... The Hourglass!

Breakfast just isn't complete without the Trinity of glass, wood, and sand.

Sadly, that means that this poor fellow's costume is out of date:

Oh, how will Steve here be able to enjoy his life, knowing that his costume is tragically out of date? My advice? Change to a costume that will cement you as the morning meal that never gets old, never dies, and never, EVER throws brightly coloured marshmallows at you:

Because having your head look like the soft serve machine at the Dairy Queen broke down is just like printing money. Money for buying sex.